Every so often, I start to feel warm toward my fellow man. I start to think thoughts like "We're all in this together" and "actually you aren't a complete idiot." These notions don't last, as undoubtedly the public will elevate meaningless twaddle to levels of popularity that befuddles people like me (and hopefully you) who like to think about what is going on in front of our faces and the faces of our friends. But since it's fun to write about, I watched the first episode of The Jeff Dunham Show with the intent to write a review last Saturday. After a minor emotional breakdown followed by a descent into solipsism, I am finally ready to write. Let's begin.
The show is introduced by puppet Achmed the Dead Terrorist, who says "Greetings Infidels please welcome Jeff Dunham!" At this point I knew I was in for a real treat.
I know that it isn't fair to breakdown a joke, but it's also not fair that Dunham is getting any work above playing elementary school for racist children, so I'm going to do it.
Dunham's old man puppet, Walter, finds it hard to believe Puppetmaster got his own show. I empathize so far.
Walter: Are you serious? You have your own show?
Dunham: Yeah you know why?
Walter: Youtube was sick of you?
Walter: Seriously, they'll give anyone a show nowadays.
Dunham: What makes you say that?
Walter: Read my lips, the "Jeff Dunham Show."
Audience: Masturbatory Laugh
And that basically sums up the show, a self-referencing disaster. When he said they'll give anyone a show, we all knew he was talking about Dunham, yet that was the punchline? It doesn't work you. It should have fallen flat. But the audience loved it. If he said read my lips, the "New York Goes to Work," the joke would have at least made sense, granted it would have been lazy.
But that isn't a problem for Jeff Dunham. He uses homophopic and racist stereotypes in a way that would make Carlos Mencia blush. The next sketch features Achmed doing standup comedy, highlighting these stereotypes with such gems as:
"The economy is so bad, I had to sell my goat. now if I want sex, I have to do it with my wife."
"So any Jews here tonight? Oh ok, skip that bit."
And so on.
Now, politically incorrect humor is my favorite, and comedians like Daniel Tosh and Louis C.K. do it extraordinarily well. But this isn't funny. It's not clever.
What could make the episode better than a bit of corporate whoring? Enter Brooke Hogan. Dunham makes a little joke about blatantly advertising her presumably awful CD by looking at the camera and saying they listen to it in the car. However, Brooke Hogan actually stars in the next sketch which is reminiscent of Chris Martin in Extras, which satirizes exactly this kind of shameless promotion.
Also, this is a puppet show.
Comedy is an art form in the right hands. But because Dunham wasn't blessed with a particularly comedic mind, he puts stereotypical puppets in his hands and sells tickets to the cretins that go around reciting awful punchlines. This show is a national embarrassment that once again highlights the idiocy in mainstream pop culture. It's a show that uses punchlines and a laugh track to let it's idiot viewers know when to laugh.
Overall I give it a four out of five.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Stupid People
I'm not usually a pessimist, but when someone is walking in 30 degree weather wearing only shorts and a t-shirt, I'm going to tell you you're an idiot. No, I didn't say it to his face, because I figure if he didn't listen to the weather man, he won't listen to me.
This is really bothering me. He was so visibly cold and uncomfortable, I thought he was going to pass out. Put on a jacket, man. If you look outside in the morning and it isn't July, you might want to think about layering. Go to Old Navy, they'll teach you how to do it properly. Don't be Stupid. Have a great day :)
-Kenneth
This is really bothering me. He was so visibly cold and uncomfortable, I thought he was going to pass out. Put on a jacket, man. If you look outside in the morning and it isn't July, you might want to think about layering. Go to Old Navy, they'll teach you how to do it properly. Don't be Stupid. Have a great day :)
-Kenneth
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
New Words
This is an assignment gone too far. I had to make up a word and definition for a class, but i was having too much fun and some situations happened to me recently that didn't have a word to describe them. Please use these words in your everyday speech. I'd appreciate it. Mahalo.
Stryfol – n. (stry-fole) A situation where one must decide between two unappealing options. Jimmy was in a stryfol when he had to decide between visiting his in-laws and going to the ballet.
Misstud – v. (miss-tud) The action of missing the stud on a wall when hanging an object. I thought I knew where the stud was, but I misstud and the picture fell down.
Coconull – n. (Koko-null) The moment one realizes that he or she is void of milk after eating something rich in chocolate. After eating her brownie, Candace suffered from coconull when she picked up the empty milk carton.
Glycoek – v. (gly-kook) The act of missing one’s eye while putting in eye drops. Eric glycoeked twice before finally landing eye drops in his infected eye.
Aviandow – n. (Ay-vee-en-doe) The act of a bird flying into a window that is so clean it looks invisible. After Sally cleaned her sliding-glass door, a sparrow committed aviandow, and fell to the ground.
Stryfol – n. (stry-fole) A situation where one must decide between two unappealing options. Jimmy was in a stryfol when he had to decide between visiting his in-laws and going to the ballet.
Misstud – v. (miss-tud) The action of missing the stud on a wall when hanging an object. I thought I knew where the stud was, but I misstud and the picture fell down.
Coconull – n. (Koko-null) The moment one realizes that he or she is void of milk after eating something rich in chocolate. After eating her brownie, Candace suffered from coconull when she picked up the empty milk carton.
Glycoek – v. (gly-kook) The act of missing one’s eye while putting in eye drops. Eric glycoeked twice before finally landing eye drops in his infected eye.
Aviandow – n. (Ay-vee-en-doe) The act of a bird flying into a window that is so clean it looks invisible. After Sally cleaned her sliding-glass door, a sparrow committed aviandow, and fell to the ground.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
On my Brain
A few things have been bothering me from the time I left my Public Relations Principles class, to the time I sat down at the computer in the LLL (Livingston Lord Library).
1. Some guy handed me a little slip of paper telling me to vote for him for Vice President of something. I've never seen this guy in my life before, and as soon as he handed me that slip, I knew he would not get my vote. As Mitch Hedberg says, "Here, you throw this away."
2. Stupid abortion genocide people get off of campus please. I don't really care what you think about pro life and quite frankly, you are simply in my way. Your actions on campus bring me closer and closer to believe exactly opposite of what you want me to believe. Go abortion! LOLZ! No, I joke. But for real, leave everyone alone.
3. This goes out to the guy talking on his cellular telephone in a silent computer lab. I really don't care what you plan on doing for lunch or how drunk you got last night. I just want to surf the 'net in peace while I kill time between classes. Go join the abortionocides.
P.S. Turn off your Black Eyed Peas ringtone.
Have a nice day.
-Kenneth
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Top 4*
There are some things in the world that just shouldn't be. This round of Top 4* comes in the form of things that are weird to my eyes. Some of these things might be considered strange due to stereotypes, and some might just plain be weird. Whatever it is, I don't like them:
1. The Unexpected Drink
Have you ever taken a drink of water expecting milk? Once the liquid hits your lips, you get a huge wake-up call and suddenly you are experiencing the biggest let-down of your day. This ruins the rest of the meal because you wish so badly that you were drinking what you thought you were drinking instead of what you are actually drinking. Catch my drift?
2. African American Hockey Players
Now, I'm not saying that there is anything physically wrong with an African American hockey player. I'm just saying it looks a little weird. Hockey is primarily a white sport in which very few African Americans play. I think it's great that there are some in the NHL, but I find it a little odd when I see an African American hockey player on the ice.
3. Muscular Asians
You are probably thinking that I am just picking out the racial things I see. But, like I said, some of these are based upon stereotypes. When I think of Asian men, I picture small, slender individuals. I was in the gym the other day and there was a very muscular Asian man and it just looked a little odd. Under normal circumstances, I would see an Asian man doing math or driving poorly, not in a gym bench pressing twice my body weight. Now they can not only solve a Rubix Cube faster that I can, but they can also kick my ass.
4. Keytarists who aren't trolls
When I hear, and/or see, someone playing a keytar, I picture them walking up a moonlit mountain side on the lawn of an ancient Scottish castle while shredding a lick from Edvard Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King." I also picture them as a troll. I don't know why as I have never seen a keytarist in the flesh, but the only suitable life form for one would be as a troll. At least in my mind. I hope, someday, that I do see a keytarist, and I hope that he/she is also a troll.
* I didn't have time for 5. No, I'm just lazy.
1. The Unexpected Drink
Have you ever taken a drink of water expecting milk? Once the liquid hits your lips, you get a huge wake-up call and suddenly you are experiencing the biggest let-down of your day. This ruins the rest of the meal because you wish so badly that you were drinking what you thought you were drinking instead of what you are actually drinking. Catch my drift?
2. African American Hockey Players
Now, I'm not saying that there is anything physically wrong with an African American hockey player. I'm just saying it looks a little weird. Hockey is primarily a white sport in which very few African Americans play. I think it's great that there are some in the NHL, but I find it a little odd when I see an African American hockey player on the ice.
3. Muscular Asians
You are probably thinking that I am just picking out the racial things I see. But, like I said, some of these are based upon stereotypes. When I think of Asian men, I picture small, slender individuals. I was in the gym the other day and there was a very muscular Asian man and it just looked a little odd. Under normal circumstances, I would see an Asian man doing math or driving poorly, not in a gym bench pressing twice my body weight. Now they can not only solve a Rubix Cube faster that I can, but they can also kick my ass.
4. Keytarists who aren't trolls
When I hear, and/or see, someone playing a keytar, I picture them walking up a moonlit mountain side on the lawn of an ancient Scottish castle while shredding a lick from Edvard Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King." I also picture them as a troll. I don't know why as I have never seen a keytarist in the flesh, but the only suitable life form for one would be as a troll. At least in my mind. I hope, someday, that I do see a keytarist, and I hope that he/she is also a troll.
* I didn't have time for 5. No, I'm just lazy.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Gamble...For Free!
Wouldn't it be great to win money without risking any of your own? Don't "x" out of this page and think this is a scam, it isn't. You have my word. The site is called CentSports. It is an online sports betting site, which provides you the money to gamble with. Now, why the hell would someone give you free money to just blow by betting on sports? The truth is, it isn't actually money until you make something out of it. Here's how it works. When you sign up, CentSports gives you 10 cents to start your betting with. You can use it as you please and bet how you want. If you lose your first bet and find yourself with no money, don't worry, CentSports will put 10 cents back into your account so you can start all over.
You're probably wondering, how can they afford to dish out money like that? The answer is advertisers. When a company chooses to advertise on their site, CentSports get paid. That advertising money is what your potential winnings are coming from. The one and only catch is that in order to win, you have to make that 10 cents grow into $20. It's actually easier than you think if you don't get greedy and you play your bets right. I got as high at $16 until I became greedy and bet big on long shots. I do have one warning, it's addicting.
You're probably wondering, how can they afford to dish out money like that? The answer is advertisers. When a company chooses to advertise on their site, CentSports get paid. That advertising money is what your potential winnings are coming from. The one and only catch is that in order to win, you have to make that 10 cents grow into $20. It's actually easier than you think if you don't get greedy and you play your bets right. I got as high at $16 until I became greedy and bet big on long shots. I do have one warning, it's addicting.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Top 5 Friday
I basically choose to make a "Top X" any day of the week I feel is convenient. And because I tend to get lazy, I also make the decision on how many "units" the list will contain. Today's list will consist of five. After living in Hilo, Hawaii for three and a half months, I can't understand how people don't become utterly depressed. It rains here non-stop and the sun rarely sees through the clouds. Because mother nature is a drunken witch, my attitude towards a lot of things has slowly began to drip into the cracks of negativity (Look out E. A. Poe). For this, I introduce you to Top 5 Friday where I will digest the half-empty glass of the things I hate the most this week.
1. "I know, right?"
Really? Did you just say that? I will say it now that this is the most overused phrase in the English language. Here is an example: Person #1 "This rain is getting annoying!" Person #2 "I know, right?" After I make a statement, I don't need you to ask me for confirmation that I agree with you. A simple "I know" will do. It doesn't make you sound witty, all it does is make you sound like you can't think of anything else to say.
2. Besties
If I am your best friend, at no point in our friendship shall you refer to me as your "bestie." This term is way too vague. Does "bestie" mean that I am your best slave? I really don't know. So, to avoid and unnecessary confusion, please refrain from using this stale, banal word.
3. The way Hawaiians talk
I am practically emerced in Hawaiian "pidgeon." I have no problems with Hawaiians in general, they happen to be very nice people. I just really hate their dialect. "Hey brah, you're going to the dakine, the store? Get me tree eggs, yah?" Wtf? Yes, I can clearly see what you are in need of, but why must you speak this way? You are Americans now, act like it.
4. This guy..
I have no comment for this guy (click the link). Actually I have a lot, but he doesn't deserve the energy it takes to voice my opinion.
5. Posting pictures of you kissing your loved one online
I want to see this just about as much as I want to pull off Robin William's dingleberries. If I want to see this, I will simple come to your home and ask to see it in person. Just by knowing that you are in a relationship, I can assume that you and your significant other make lip-to-lip contact. I don't need any visual evidence.
Mahalo! Now go out and apply what you have learned today.
1. "I know, right?"
Really? Did you just say that? I will say it now that this is the most overused phrase in the English language. Here is an example: Person #1 "This rain is getting annoying!" Person #2 "I know, right?" After I make a statement, I don't need you to ask me for confirmation that I agree with you. A simple "I know" will do. It doesn't make you sound witty, all it does is make you sound like you can't think of anything else to say.
2. Besties
If I am your best friend, at no point in our friendship shall you refer to me as your "bestie." This term is way too vague. Does "bestie" mean that I am your best slave? I really don't know. So, to avoid and unnecessary confusion, please refrain from using this stale, banal word.
3. The way Hawaiians talk
I am practically emerced in Hawaiian "pidgeon." I have no problems with Hawaiians in general, they happen to be very nice people. I just really hate their dialect. "Hey brah, you're going to the dakine, the store? Get me tree eggs, yah?" Wtf? Yes, I can clearly see what you are in need of, but why must you speak this way? You are Americans now, act like it.
4. This guy..
I have no comment for this guy (click the link). Actually I have a lot, but he doesn't deserve the energy it takes to voice my opinion.
5. Posting pictures of you kissing your loved one online
I want to see this just about as much as I want to pull off Robin William's dingleberries. If I want to see this, I will simple come to your home and ask to see it in person. Just by knowing that you are in a relationship, I can assume that you and your significant other make lip-to-lip contact. I don't need any visual evidence.
Mahalo! Now go out and apply what you have learned today.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Top 10 Tuesday
No I'm not an idiot. I know it isn't Tuesday. Before I go any further, I want to know why the (explicative) spell check stopped me in my tracks when I typed the word "isn't". There is goes again. WTF. When I was growing up, ain't ain't a word so you ain't supposed to use it 'cause it ain't in the dictionary. But now apparently "isn't" IS NOT a word. Spell check is about as reliable as Wikipedia in the 1700's. Make of that what you wish.
Back to the countdown. This version of Top Ten Tuesday is extremely late. In fact, I planned on having one every week. But it turned out that I stopped after the first one which I think I posted on a Thursday.
I actually don't even know what my topic is going to be. What do you think? Colors? No, I hate you now for coming up with that lame topic. How about "Things that Suck"? The only reason I thought about this was because of that lame topic of "Top Ten Colors". And that topic sucks.
Things that Suck.
10. Technology.
- Weren't we supposed to be in flying cars right now? George Jetson is a liar.
9. Vacuums.
- Of course I'm going to put this right? I don't even care about how they literally suck. I just hate how damn loud they are. I also hate vacuuming.
8. Driving.
- Can't we all just teleport. Driving is such a waste of time. NASCAR also falls into this topic.
7. People on Cash Cab
- Some people are just idiots. And weird.
6. Tyler Perry's House of Payne.
- Oh my God. I don't even-- This should actually be #1 but it is so incredibly horrible that I might put it twice. Stay tuned.
5. Deciding to make it Top 10 Tuesday instead of Top 5 Tuesday.
- I'm just really lazy. But I'll do it for the three people who actually read this.
4. The writer's strike ending.
- Even though it brought back my favorite shows, Conan was so much funnier while the strike was on.
3. Sleeping with Socks.
-This is just a terrible, terrible feeling. It's like wearing a beanie in the summer.
2. Bob Saget on American Funniest Home Videos.
- His impressions are indescribable. He apparently knows what animals would sound like if they could talk.
1. The Holocaust.
- I'm not trying to be cheeky, but this really did suck.
Back to the countdown. This version of Top Ten Tuesday is extremely late. In fact, I planned on having one every week. But it turned out that I stopped after the first one which I think I posted on a Thursday.
I actually don't even know what my topic is going to be. What do you think? Colors? No, I hate you now for coming up with that lame topic. How about "Things that Suck"? The only reason I thought about this was because of that lame topic of "Top Ten Colors". And that topic sucks.
Things that Suck.
10. Technology.
- Weren't we supposed to be in flying cars right now? George Jetson is a liar.
9. Vacuums.
- Of course I'm going to put this right? I don't even care about how they literally suck. I just hate how damn loud they are. I also hate vacuuming.
8. Driving.
- Can't we all just teleport. Driving is such a waste of time. NASCAR also falls into this topic.
7. People on Cash Cab
- Some people are just idiots. And weird.
6. Tyler Perry's House of Payne.
- Oh my God. I don't even-- This should actually be #1 but it is so incredibly horrible that I might put it twice. Stay tuned.
5. Deciding to make it Top 10 Tuesday instead of Top 5 Tuesday.
- I'm just really lazy. But I'll do it for the three people who actually read this.
4. The writer's strike ending.
- Even though it brought back my favorite shows, Conan was so much funnier while the strike was on.
3. Sleeping with Socks.
-This is just a terrible, terrible feeling. It's like wearing a beanie in the summer.
2. Bob Saget on American Funniest Home Videos.
- His impressions are indescribable. He apparently knows what animals would sound like if they could talk.
1. The Holocaust.
- I'm not trying to be cheeky, but this really did suck.
Back for at least a couple more posts depending on your reaction
Some things might not make sense as this was originally composed for facebook and I'm too lazy to go through and change it, not that it would be interesting to you if you don't personally already know me anyway.
I'm starting this note without any purpose or sense of direction. In fact, the only reason I am writing this is because I haven't done one (that wasn't advertising a radio show) before. I also don't have class until 1:30 tomorrow.
With this in mind, you might want to stop reading and use your time elsewhere. I might not come up with anything of any interest. Though I suppose I won't post this if I didn't. So now your relying on my judgment on whether or not this will entertain you.
Right, so I have about 4 weeks left in Grantham if all goes according to plan. I'm glad to get out. It's not that I don't like some of the people in Grantham. It's that I hate some of the people in Grantham. I can't tolerate many of the people I see here.
These feelings are generally reserved for when I'm driving or listening to pop music. Why the hatred? Multiple reasons, but all can be summed up by counting drops of piss on the toilet seats on third floor Grantham. The seats look like Honeycombs. And walking past people in the halls I can just tell which ones care and which ones piss on seats. I thought I left these people back in high school, or I at least hoped they would join a fraternity.
These are the people who dribble a basketball for 15 minutes at a time in a dorm room. At 10 a.m. on a Saturday. I'm taking 4 different psych classes next semester just to try and figure out what brain processes are behind that bizarre action. Dribbling a basketball in a dorm room is not fun. This is not debatable. Questioning this fact is madness. It can't be fun. It just CAN'T. Because if it is, everything I thought I knew about life is lost in a horrible whirlwind of something really bad yet undiscovered.
It also won't make you better at basketball. I know this from personal experience. I dribbled many a basketball while sitting on folding chairs while riding the bench. I can say rather confidently that the coach never looked down the bench to see me sitting down on a chair dribbling under my legs and thought "Jesus look how fast it goes from his left hand to his right, get him in the game."
Most people suck at basketball, but they play it anyway. They say it's to stay in shape, but everyone who's ever played thinks they are better than they are. But say they do play it to stay in shape. For most people this is fine. It's therapeutic. A release. It's exercise, and it's good for you. I need to exercise. It keeps them from being able to tell us what a heart attack feels like. But what is the use of staying alive longer if you are the type of person who routinely pisses on toilet seats, so much so that 3 days removed from the most recent cleaning (on Friday) I can't sit down and lay brown eggs. These people add NOTHING to society, except drunk-driving and date-rape. And AIDS. Because you know whoever had sex with that monkey is one of these people.
Other than that it was a good weekend.
I'm starting this note without any purpose or sense of direction. In fact, the only reason I am writing this is because I haven't done one (that wasn't advertising a radio show) before. I also don't have class until 1:30 tomorrow.
With this in mind, you might want to stop reading and use your time elsewhere. I might not come up with anything of any interest. Though I suppose I won't post this if I didn't. So now your relying on my judgment on whether or not this will entertain you.
Right, so I have about 4 weeks left in Grantham if all goes according to plan. I'm glad to get out. It's not that I don't like some of the people in Grantham. It's that I hate some of the people in Grantham. I can't tolerate many of the people I see here.
These feelings are generally reserved for when I'm driving or listening to pop music. Why the hatred? Multiple reasons, but all can be summed up by counting drops of piss on the toilet seats on third floor Grantham. The seats look like Honeycombs. And walking past people in the halls I can just tell which ones care and which ones piss on seats. I thought I left these people back in high school, or I at least hoped they would join a fraternity.
These are the people who dribble a basketball for 15 minutes at a time in a dorm room. At 10 a.m. on a Saturday. I'm taking 4 different psych classes next semester just to try and figure out what brain processes are behind that bizarre action. Dribbling a basketball in a dorm room is not fun. This is not debatable. Questioning this fact is madness. It can't be fun. It just CAN'T. Because if it is, everything I thought I knew about life is lost in a horrible whirlwind of something really bad yet undiscovered.
It also won't make you better at basketball. I know this from personal experience. I dribbled many a basketball while sitting on folding chairs while riding the bench. I can say rather confidently that the coach never looked down the bench to see me sitting down on a chair dribbling under my legs and thought "Jesus look how fast it goes from his left hand to his right, get him in the game."
Most people suck at basketball, but they play it anyway. They say it's to stay in shape, but everyone who's ever played thinks they are better than they are. But say they do play it to stay in shape. For most people this is fine. It's therapeutic. A release. It's exercise, and it's good for you. I need to exercise. It keeps them from being able to tell us what a heart attack feels like. But what is the use of staying alive longer if you are the type of person who routinely pisses on toilet seats, so much so that 3 days removed from the most recent cleaning (on Friday) I can't sit down and lay brown eggs. These people add NOTHING to society, except drunk-driving and date-rape. And AIDS. Because you know whoever had sex with that monkey is one of these people.
Other than that it was a good weekend.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I Hate Your State Too
I hail from North Dakota (ND), and I happen to be proud of it. The vast, wide-open prairie, the overwhelming abundance of cattle, and over 6 bazillion combines and balers make ND a great state. OK, maybe not. But I would like to make this a formal complaint to all of the people who think ND is a poor, electricity-less dust bowl. It’s not. Sure, there may not be as much going on here as there is in Florida or California, but good God, we don’t live in friggin tee pees. As much respect as I have for those that did live in tee pees and earth lodges, times have changed and so has our housing. Electricity did make it to ND, believe it or not, and yes, we do have running water. Here is just an example of what people think when they hear or see the words “North Dakota”:I was on holiday in Florida and my family and I went to Burger King in Tampa. Not wanting to lose cash, we took along traveler’s checks. As we were paying the young lady for our meal, we handed her the ND traveler’s check. She looked at it for a while, then gazed up at our patient faces and said, “Is this what your money looks like there?”
If there was one person in the world that day that I wanted to throw my meal at, it was her. Her manager later excused her absolute stupidity and said she doesn’t get out much. Ya think?
I'll be completely honest, I wouldn't want to visit ND to see the sights, but please don't hate on us just because you would rather be in the mountains instead of the prairie. One great attraction North Dakota does have is an amazing golf course in historic Medora called Bully Pulpit. It is set in the beautiful Badlands and draws golfing enthusiasts from far and wide.
If you are in the area, or just feeling spontaneous stop by North Dakota. I dare you. You might like it. Whatever you do, don't make fun of us anymore, please.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Dunder Mifflin: Fargo
Sweeping planet Earth in selling paper, Dunder Mifflin Inc. has expanded to Fargo, North Dakota. That's right, now you can get all of your paper needs right here in Eastern ND. Check us out at the new Dunder Mifflin Infinity website. You can apply now and join our relentless pursuit to become the world's leader in paper distribution. Limitless paper for a paperless world.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Come on Down: Drew's First Day
What do the phrases "Cleveland Rocks!" and "Welcome to 'Who's Line is it Anyway?' a show where the points don't matter" have in common? Drew Carey. Now, he can add another to his resume: "Come on down, you're the next contestant on The Price is Right."That's right, Drew Carey is the new host of "The Price is Right," formerly commanded by the legendary Bob Barker. His debut on the popular game show aired today, October 15th, at 10:00AM CDT. Carey is by no means as effective at selling the "help control the pet population" campaign as Barker, but he isn't half bad at selling the show. I'll be honest, Carey wasn't very good his first time. He seemed like he was lost, he came across as creepy to me, getting a little too close to one of the contestants, and he appeared to be helping the contestants with their choices, saying at one occasion, "good choice." Nonetheless, I am lenient with Carey as this was his first show and I'm sure as time goes on, he will become more comfortable with the game show. Something good did happen on his first show, it was perfect. Perfect in the sense that every contestant won their game. Maybe Carey is just good luck. Whatever he is, he will be a great host.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Fall Movie Rundown
With this post I hope to address some of the myths regarding socialized medicine. Not interested? Fine I'll talk about upcoming movies. But don't even act like I couldn't breakdown socialized medicine because I totally could in about 3 and a half paragraphs. Without further adieu, let's talk us some cinema!
October 12: Michael Clayton
Because I'm movie snob by nature, I like smart movies. Zodiac, Memento, The Usual Suspects, and Syriana are some of my favorites. This is why I'm excited about Michael Clayton. Most accounts bill it as a cleverly-written and suspenseful drama. George Clooney is about as good of a leading man as a movie can have. He's damn fun to watch. Skimming over the Rottentomatoes reviews I noticed some guy named David Denby said Clooney has never had better lines. Though that is a cool, movie-reviewer thing to say, I would be lying if I said it didn't excite me.
October 19: 30 Days of Night, Gone Baby Gone
First, let's get to 30 Days of Night. I'll be honest the first reason I checked this movie out was because the use a Muse song in the trailer (Apocalypse Please). If the Nancy Drew movie had a Muse song on the soundtrack I would have easily rented it, maybe twice. Secondly, it's a vampire movie, but you don't have the morning to save you. Vampires are badass. It's the scary movie month. Josh Hartnett is a sheriff. In Alaska. Vampires frolicking in snow. Blood shows up good in snow. There are jump, or as some people will call "cheap" scares (those people are just chickens). It's based on a graphic novel, something that translates to movies very well (V for Vendetta, Sin City, the 300, etc.) The only thing missing is Kate Beckinsale as a vampire in leather.
Secondly, Gone Baby Gone. I don't know if this movie will be released here in Fargo, but I hope to god it does. This movie feels a lot like the Departed to me. Both are, after all set in Boston. The movie has already got some early reviews in, and it looks like it will turn out to be an award contender. Casey Affleck, whose brother Ben is directing, is one of the most underrated actors working today, and this will definitely earn him some recognition. Voice of god Morgan Freeman is also in the movie.
October 26: Saw IV; Run, Fatboy, Run
Everyone that steps foot into a Saw movie knows exactly what to expect. They are fairly formulaic in plot and pacing. That doesn't mean they aren't damn entertaining. Saw IV will probably be as good as the other three, as they do seem to be fairly consistent. They aren't the scariest movies ever, as suspense is usually sacrificed for gore. I just hope they can keep coming up with twist endings, I guessed the one in the third and was disappointed as a result. Here's to a bowel-evacuating twist in Saw IV.
Run, Fatboy, Run is Simon Pegg's first movie since the absolute genius that was is Hot Fuzz. I don't expect this to be as good, since Edgar Wright and Nick Frost aren't involved, but Simon Pegg is top 5 if not number 1 as far as comedic actors are concerned. This movie serves as a warm-up to his next, probably biggest hit stateside in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. Simon Pegg can do pretty much anything and I'll laugh so I'm definitely looking forward to this.
Before year's end, we also have American Gangster, I Am Legend, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, and Judd Apatow's next project Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. This years big movies have pretty much all been released, but as you can see there still are some good'uns coming soon.
October 12: Michael Clayton
Because I'm movie snob by nature, I like smart movies. Zodiac, Memento, The Usual Suspects, and Syriana are some of my favorites. This is why I'm excited about Michael Clayton. Most accounts bill it as a cleverly-written and suspenseful drama. George Clooney is about as good of a leading man as a movie can have. He's damn fun to watch. Skimming over the Rottentomatoes reviews I noticed some guy named David Denby said Clooney has never had better lines. Though that is a cool, movie-reviewer thing to say, I would be lying if I said it didn't excite me.
October 19: 30 Days of Night, Gone Baby Gone
First, let's get to 30 Days of Night. I'll be honest the first reason I checked this movie out was because the use a Muse song in the trailer (Apocalypse Please). If the Nancy Drew movie had a Muse song on the soundtrack I would have easily rented it, maybe twice. Secondly, it's a vampire movie, but you don't have the morning to save you. Vampires are badass. It's the scary movie month. Josh Hartnett is a sheriff. In Alaska. Vampires frolicking in snow. Blood shows up good in snow. There are jump, or as some people will call "cheap" scares (those people are just chickens). It's based on a graphic novel, something that translates to movies very well (V for Vendetta, Sin City, the 300, etc.) The only thing missing is Kate Beckinsale as a vampire in leather.
Secondly, Gone Baby Gone. I don't know if this movie will be released here in Fargo, but I hope to god it does. This movie feels a lot like the Departed to me. Both are, after all set in Boston. The movie has already got some early reviews in, and it looks like it will turn out to be an award contender. Casey Affleck, whose brother Ben is directing, is one of the most underrated actors working today, and this will definitely earn him some recognition. Voice of god Morgan Freeman is also in the movie.
October 26: Saw IV; Run, Fatboy, Run
Everyone that steps foot into a Saw movie knows exactly what to expect. They are fairly formulaic in plot and pacing. That doesn't mean they aren't damn entertaining. Saw IV will probably be as good as the other three, as they do seem to be fairly consistent. They aren't the scariest movies ever, as suspense is usually sacrificed for gore. I just hope they can keep coming up with twist endings, I guessed the one in the third and was disappointed as a result. Here's to a bowel-evacuating twist in Saw IV.
Run, Fatboy, Run is Simon Pegg's first movie since the absolute genius that was is Hot Fuzz. I don't expect this to be as good, since Edgar Wright and Nick Frost aren't involved, but Simon Pegg is top 5 if not number 1 as far as comedic actors are concerned. This movie serves as a warm-up to his next, probably biggest hit stateside in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. Simon Pegg can do pretty much anything and I'll laugh so I'm definitely looking forward to this.
Before year's end, we also have American Gangster, I Am Legend, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, and Judd Apatow's next project Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. This years big movies have pretty much all been released, but as you can see there still are some good'uns coming soon.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Top 10 Tuesday: Fast Food Joints
Food. Ahh...I can smell it now. Not just any food, fast food. Of course, like most things, fast food causes cancer, ringworm, and probably chlamidia, but oh how I enjoy it. Come on, whoever doesn't enjoy a convenient fast food joint every once in a while is a lying sack of potatoes in the middle of Idaho. So, in honor of America's wonderous places of grub, I hereby announce, to you, my top 10 favorite fast food rastaurants:
10. Burger King
Famed for it's charbroiled burgers, Burger King barely makes it into the top 10. The only real reason they made it on the list is because of their french fries. There is just something about the fries at "The BK Lounge" that makes my taste buds orgasm. They have the best french fries among all of the "Big" corporations, so therefore they start out the list at #10.
9. Arby's
Arby's is mostly famous for their delicious roast beef sandwiches. On the contrary, I happen to hate roast beef. However, I do have a passionate love for their crispy chicken sandwiches and curly fries. And, oddly enough, I love the way they wrap their sandwiches. How on Earth do they do it? Part tin-foil, part paper? WTF? Whatever it is, It's good enough to be #9 on this prestigious list.
8. Taco John's
Taco John's may have invented the way to make the most use of a potato. The Potato Olé. My dear God, if these don't complete a West-Mex meal then I don't know what does. Not only did Taco John's make the potato olé, but they also ingeniously decided to place it in a burrito with the company of crispy chicken: the Meat and Potato Burrito. Now that's a whole lot of Mexican, amigo.
7. Chipotle
I never used to believe that a burrito could actually resemble a large brick, until I walked into the kingdom of Chipotle. Their burritos are friggin amazing and are the best thing that happened to mexican food since the chaco taco. Burrito me.
6. McDonald's
When a person walks into McDonald's thinking "By golly, if I eat this food, I'm going to be a fat ass and have four heart attacks by the time I leave this place," they are automatically going to hate the food. I, on the other hand, like to think of eating McDonald's as an excuse to work out more. And, of course, I throughly enjoy indulging in the super cheap super greasy super good food. Good for your body? Hardly. Good for your soul? Probably not. But, I'm lovin' it.
5. Erbert and Gerbert's
Erbert said to Gerbert said Erbert to Gerbert, "Damn, these subs are good." Good they are. Erbert and Gerbert's brings a unique style to the submarine sandwich. They literally disect the sandwich by taking the "Guts" out. The Guts are the bread in the inner uppper half of the sandwich. By taking the Guts out of the sandwich, it makes room for lettuce and other extras. Did I mention they give you the Guts back? Well, they do. And they are quite good to dip in their various daily soups. Erbert and Gerberts is wonderful.
4. Taco Bell
Despite having horrible nachos, Taco Bell is probably the best Mexican food in the fast food industry. Quite frankly, I need to say no more than 'Cheesy Gordita Crunch'. Point sold.
3.Quiznos
Toasted subs are goooooood. Especially Quiznos. When you eat a sub at Quizno's, you get more meat for your dollar than at Subway. Words do not do justice for this sandwich haven. Try it.
2.Wendy's
I can't really explain this one. Wendy's is a phenomenon. It's greasy fast food, but for some reason it's absolutely delicious. And of course, the Frosty. If the Frosty isn't the most delicious dairy product in the land, then I don't know what is.
1.Jimmy John's
In first place comes Jimmy John's. Jimmy John's is very much like Erbert and Gerbert's...only 5 times better. Their ingredients and sandwiches are almost identical. One thing that Jimmy John's does is NOT CUT THE SANDWICH IN HALF! I love this. It makes the sandwich taste better for some reason and I feel that I get more of the sandwich and can become more personal with it, you know, get to know it a little better before I digest.
P.S. I was overwhelmingly late on this post so this is technically Top Ten Monday. It won't happen again..I hope.
10. Burger King
Famed for it's charbroiled burgers, Burger King barely makes it into the top 10. The only real reason they made it on the list is because of their french fries. There is just something about the fries at "The BK Lounge" that makes my taste buds orgasm. They have the best french fries among all of the "Big" corporations, so therefore they start out the list at #10.
9. Arby'sArby's is mostly famous for their delicious roast beef sandwiches. On the contrary, I happen to hate roast beef. However, I do have a passionate love for their crispy chicken sandwiches and curly fries. And, oddly enough, I love the way they wrap their sandwiches. How on Earth do they do it? Part tin-foil, part paper? WTF? Whatever it is, It's good enough to be #9 on this prestigious list.
8. Taco John's
Taco John's may have invented the way to make the most use of a potato. The Potato Olé. My dear God, if these don't complete a West-Mex meal then I don't know what does. Not only did Taco John's make the potato olé, but they also ingeniously decided to place it in a burrito with the company of crispy chicken: the Meat and Potato Burrito. Now that's a whole lot of Mexican, amigo.
7. Chipotle I never used to believe that a burrito could actually resemble a large brick, until I walked into the kingdom of Chipotle. Their burritos are friggin amazing and are the best thing that happened to mexican food since the chaco taco. Burrito me.
6. McDonald's
When a person walks into McDonald's thinking "By golly, if I eat this food, I'm going to be a fat ass and have four heart attacks by the time I leave this place," they are automatically going to hate the food. I, on the other hand, like to think of eating McDonald's as an excuse to work out more. And, of course, I throughly enjoy indulging in the super cheap super greasy super good food. Good for your body? Hardly. Good for your soul? Probably not. But, I'm lovin' it.
5. Erbert and Gerbert'sErbert said to Gerbert said Erbert to Gerbert, "Damn, these subs are good." Good they are. Erbert and Gerbert's brings a unique style to the submarine sandwich. They literally disect the sandwich by taking the "Guts" out. The Guts are the bread in the inner uppper half of the sandwich. By taking the Guts out of the sandwich, it makes room for lettuce and other extras. Did I mention they give you the Guts back? Well, they do. And they are quite good to dip in their various daily soups. Erbert and Gerberts is wonderful.
4. Taco Bell
Despite having horrible nachos, Taco Bell is probably the best Mexican food in the fast food industry. Quite frankly, I need to say no more than 'Cheesy Gordita Crunch'. Point sold.
3.Quiznos
Toasted subs are goooooood. Especially Quiznos. When you eat a sub at Quizno's, you get more meat for your dollar than at Subway. Words do not do justice for this sandwich haven. Try it.
2.Wendy's I can't really explain this one. Wendy's is a phenomenon. It's greasy fast food, but for some reason it's absolutely delicious. And of course, the Frosty. If the Frosty isn't the most delicious dairy product in the land, then I don't know what is.
1.Jimmy John's
In first place comes Jimmy John's. Jimmy John's is very much like Erbert and Gerbert's...only 5 times better. Their ingredients and sandwiches are almost identical. One thing that Jimmy John's does is NOT CUT THE SANDWICH IN HALF! I love this. It makes the sandwich taste better for some reason and I feel that I get more of the sandwich and can become more personal with it, you know, get to know it a little better before I digest.
P.S. I was overwhelmingly late on this post so this is technically Top Ten Monday. It won't happen again..I hope.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Quick, 45-second long life wasters
I know your going to try and read this in 45 seconds because you're funny like that, but the life wasters I'm talking about aren't these posts.
Here's our toopic: I know hate is a strong word, but it's a child of a word when I'm trying to express my distaste for these damn low-budget commercials. Everytime I watch commercials, especially on ESPN, I feel like I'm playing Russian Roulette. Allow me to explain. You've seen them:
BlueHippo desktop computers
LifeAlert
The Wilfred Brimley Diabetes Spiels
Basically any Non-Profit get out of debt/make the bill collectors stop calling ones
You get the picture.
Every time one of these come on it's like a bird pooped on my windsheild. Only it's not a bird-sized poop, it's human sized and it means business. Do you appreciate the visual? Because it's necessary.
They use the same template designed in 1957 by Helen Keller. Rosie O'Donnell thinks those commercials are ugly. I'd rather watch channel 0 while knifing my corneas & listening to My Chemical Romance backwards than listen to that Douche talk about credit scores again.
If you want to convince me you can get me out of debt stop making commercials like your in debt yourself. It's damn near 2007. Buy a new computer and stop trying to make commercials on Windows 1876 or go to hell and make Hitler watch your commercials, because the only thing they're good for is painful, soul-killing torture. Cheers.
Here's our toopic: I know hate is a strong word, but it's a child of a word when I'm trying to express my distaste for these damn low-budget commercials. Everytime I watch commercials, especially on ESPN, I feel like I'm playing Russian Roulette. Allow me to explain. You've seen them:
BlueHippo desktop computers
LifeAlert
The Wilfred Brimley Diabetes Spiels
Basically any Non-Profit get out of debt/make the bill collectors stop calling ones
You get the picture.
Every time one of these come on it's like a bird pooped on my windsheild. Only it's not a bird-sized poop, it's human sized and it means business. Do you appreciate the visual? Because it's necessary.
They use the same template designed in 1957 by Helen Keller. Rosie O'Donnell thinks those commercials are ugly. I'd rather watch channel 0 while knifing my corneas & listening to My Chemical Romance backwards than listen to that Douche talk about credit scores again.
If you want to convince me you can get me out of debt stop making commercials like your in debt yourself. It's damn near 2007. Buy a new computer and stop trying to make commercials on Windows 1876 or go to hell and make Hitler watch your commercials, because the only thing they're good for is painful, soul-killing torture. Cheers.
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