The Jeff Dunham Show: A Review

Every so often, I start to feel warm toward my fellow man. I start to think thoughts like "We're all in this together" and "actually you aren't a complete idiot." These notions don't last, as undoubtedly the public will elevate meaningless twaddle to levels of popularity that befuddles people like me (and hopefully you) who like to think about what is going on in front of our faces and the faces of our friends. But since it's fun to write about, I watched the first episode of The Jeff Dunham Show with the intent to write a review last Saturday. After a minor emotional breakdown followed by a descent into solipsism, I am finally ready to write. Let's begin.

The show is introduced by puppet Achmed the Dead Terrorist, who says "Greetings Infidels please welcome Jeff Dunham!" At this point I knew I was in for a real treat.

I know that it isn't fair to breakdown a joke, but it's also not fair that Dunham is getting any work above playing elementary school for racist children, so I'm going to do it.

Dunham's old man puppet, Walter, finds it hard to believe Puppetmaster got his own show. I empathize so far.
Walter: Are you serious? You have your own show?
Dunham: Yeah you know why?
Walter: Youtube was sick of you?
Walter: Seriously, they'll give anyone a show nowadays.
Dunham: What makes you say that?
Walter: Read my lips, the "Jeff Dunham Show."
Audience: Masturbatory Laugh

And that basically sums up the show, a self-referencing disaster. When he said they'll give anyone a show, we all knew he was talking about Dunham, yet that was the punchline? It doesn't work you. It should have fallen flat. But the audience loved it. If he said read my lips, the "New York Goes to Work," the joke would have at least made sense, granted it would have been lazy.

But that isn't a problem for Jeff Dunham. He uses homophopic and racist stereotypes in a way that would make Carlos Mencia blush. The next sketch features Achmed doing standup comedy, highlighting these stereotypes with such gems as:

"The economy is so bad, I had to sell my goat. now if I want sex, I have to do it with my wife."
"So any Jews here tonight? Oh ok, skip that bit."
And so on.

Now, politically incorrect humor is my favorite, and comedians like Daniel Tosh and Louis C.K. do it extraordinarily well. But this isn't funny. It's not clever.

What could make the episode better than a bit of corporate whoring? Enter Brooke Hogan. Dunham makes a little joke about blatantly advertising her presumably awful CD by looking at the camera and saying they listen to it in the car. However, Brooke Hogan actually stars in the next sketch which is reminiscent of Chris Martin in Extras, which satirizes exactly this kind of shameless promotion.

Also, this is a puppet show.

Comedy is an art form in the right hands. But because Dunham wasn't blessed with a particularly comedic mind, he puts stereotypical puppets in his hands and sells tickets to the cretins that go around reciting awful punchlines. This show is a national embarrassment that once again highlights the idiocy in mainstream pop culture. It's a show that uses punchlines and a laugh track to let it's idiot viewers know when to laugh.

Overall I give it a four out of five.

Stupid People

I'm not usually a pessimist, but when someone is walking in 30 degree weather wearing only shorts and a t-shirt, I'm going to tell you you're an idiot. No, I didn't say it to his face, because I figure if he didn't listen to the weather man, he won't listen to me.

This is really bothering me. He was so visibly cold and uncomfortable, I thought he was going to pass out. Put on a jacket, man. If you look outside in the morning and it isn't July, you might want to think about layering. Go to Old Navy, they'll teach you how to do it properly. Don't be Stupid. Have a great day :)

-Kenneth

New Words

This is an assignment gone too far. I had to make up a word and definition for a class, but i was having too much fun and some situations happened to me recently that didn't have a word to describe them. Please use these words in your everyday speech. I'd appreciate it. Mahalo.

Stryfol – n. (stry-fole) A situation where one must decide between two unappealing options. Jimmy was in a stryfol when he had to decide between visiting his in-laws and going to the ballet.

Misstud – v. (miss-tud) The action of missing the stud on a wall when hanging an object. I thought I knew where the stud was, but I misstud and the picture fell down.

Coconull – n. (Koko-null) The moment one realizes that he or she is void of milk after eating something rich in chocolate. After eating her brownie, Candace suffered from coconull when she picked up the empty milk carton.

Glycoek – v. (gly-kook) The act of missing one’s eye while putting in eye drops. Eric glycoeked twice before finally landing eye drops in his infected eye.

Aviandow – n. (Ay-vee-en-doe) The act of a bird flying into a window that is so clean it looks invisible. After Sally cleaned her sliding-glass door, a sparrow committed aviandow, and fell to the ground.

On my Brain

A few things have been bothering me from the time I left my Public Relations Principles class, to the time I sat down at the computer in the LLL (Livingston Lord Library).

1. Some guy handed me a little slip of paper telling me to vote for him for Vice President of something. I've never seen this guy in my life before, and as soon as he handed me that slip, I knew he would not get my vote. As Mitch Hedberg says, "Here, you throw this away."

2. Stupid abortion genocide people get off of campus please. I don't really care what you think about pro life and quite frankly, you are simply in my way. Your actions on campus bring me closer and closer to believe exactly opposite of what you want me to believe. Go abortion! LOLZ! No, I joke. But for real, leave everyone alone.

3. This goes out to the guy talking on his cellular telephone in a silent computer lab. I really don't care what you plan on doing for lunch or how drunk you got last night. I just want to surf the 'net in peace while I kill time between classes. Go join the abortionocides.

P.S. Turn off your Black Eyed Peas ringtone.

Have a nice day.

-Kenneth

Top 4*

There are some things in the world that just shouldn't be. This round of Top 4* comes in the form of things that are weird to my eyes. Some of these things might be considered strange due to stereotypes, and some might just plain be weird. Whatever it is, I don't like them:

1. The Unexpected Drink
Have you ever taken a drink of water expecting milk? Once the liquid hits your lips, you get a huge wake-up call and suddenly you are experiencing the biggest let-down of your day. This ruins the rest of the meal because you wish so badly that you were drinking what you thought you were drinking instead of what you are actually drinking. Catch my drift?

2. African American Hockey Players
Now, I'm not saying that there is anything physically wrong with an African American hockey player. I'm just saying it looks a little weird. Hockey is primarily a white sport in which very few African Americans play. I think it's great that there are some in the NHL, but I find it a little odd when I see an African American hockey player on the ice.

3. Muscular Asians
You are probably thinking that I am just picking out the racial things I see. But, like I said, some of these are based upon stereotypes. When I think of Asian men, I picture small, slender individuals. I was in the gym the other day and there was a very muscular Asian man and it just looked a little odd. Under normal circumstances, I would see an Asian man doing math or driving poorly, not in a gym bench pressing twice my body weight. Now they can not only solve a Rubix Cube faster that I can, but they can also kick my ass.

4. Keytarists who aren't trolls
When I hear, and/or see, someone playing a keytar, I picture them walking up a moonlit mountain side on the lawn of an ancient Scottish castle while shredding a lick from Edvard Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King." I also picture them as a troll. I don't know why as I have never seen a keytarist in the flesh, but the only suitable life form for one would be as a troll. At least in my mind. I hope, someday, that I do see a keytarist, and I hope that he/she is also a troll.

* I didn't have time for 5. No, I'm just lazy.

Gamble...For Free!

Wouldn't it be great to win money without risking any of your own? Don't "x" out of this page and think this is a scam, it isn't. You have my word. The site is called CentSports. It is an online sports betting site, which provides you the money to gamble with. Now, why the hell would someone give you free money to just blow by betting on sports? The truth is, it isn't actually money until you make something out of it. Here's how it works. When you sign up, CentSports gives you 10 cents to start your betting with. You can use it as you please and bet how you want. If you lose your first bet and find yourself with no money, don't worry, CentSports will put 10 cents back into your account so you can start all over.

You're probably wondering, how can they afford to dish out money like that? The answer is advertisers. When a company chooses to advertise on their site, CentSports get paid. That advertising money is what your potential winnings are coming from. The one and only catch is that in order to win, you have to make that 10 cents grow into $20. It's actually easier than you think if you don't get greedy and you play your bets right. I got as high at $16 until I became greedy and bet big on long shots. I do have one warning, it's addicting.

Top 5 Friday

I basically choose to make a "Top X" any day of the week I feel is convenient. And because I tend to get lazy, I also make the decision on how many "units" the list will contain. Today's list will consist of five. After living in Hilo, Hawaii for three and a half months, I can't understand how people don't become utterly depressed. It rains here non-stop and the sun rarely sees through the clouds. Because mother nature is a drunken witch, my attitude towards a lot of things has slowly began to drip into the cracks of negativity (Look out E. A. Poe). For this, I introduce you to Top 5 Friday where I will digest the half-empty glass of the things I hate the most this week.

1. "I know, right?"
Really? Did you just say that? I will say it now that this is the most overused phrase in the English language. Here is an example: Person #1 "This rain is getting annoying!" Person #2 "I know, right?" After I make a statement, I don't need you to ask me for confirmation that I agree with you. A simple "I know" will do. It doesn't make you sound witty, all it does is make you sound like you can't think of anything else to say.

2. Besties
If I am your best friend, at no point in our friendship shall you refer to me as your "bestie." This term is way too vague. Does "bestie" mean that I am your best slave? I really don't know. So, to avoid and unnecessary confusion, please refrain from using this stale, banal word.

3. The way Hawaiians talk
I am practically emerced in Hawaiian "pidgeon." I have no problems with Hawaiians in general, they happen to be very nice people. I just really hate their dialect. "Hey brah, you're going to the dakine, the store? Get me tree eggs, yah?" Wtf? Yes, I can clearly see what you are in need of, but why must you speak this way? You are Americans now, act like it.

4. This guy..
I have no comment for this guy (click the link). Actually I have a lot, but he doesn't deserve the energy it takes to voice my opinion.

5. Posting pictures of you kissing your loved one online
I want to see this just about as much as I want to pull off Robin William's dingleberries. If I want to see this, I will simple come to your home and ask to see it in person. Just by knowing that you are in a relationship, I can assume that you and your significant other make lip-to-lip contact. I don't need any visual evidence.

Mahalo! Now go out and apply what you have learned today.